


BELOVED Dimeathrreenrty Ankylosarus Bladder[S]

by Kiloueka



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bathing/Washing, Bubble Bath, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Dating, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Food, Gay, Gay Male Character, I'm not sorry, Jealousy, M/M, OOC, One Shot, Out of Character, Soulmates, Vegan BTW, papaya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28602228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiloueka/pseuds/Kiloueka
Summary: 9S is the perfect house husbando keeping his cottage nice and clean while Dimitri is off at war. Today Dimitri, his one love finally returns and 9S has a bubble bath and some nice treats ready for eating.Things don't go exactly as planned though...Inspired by fanart of MByleth/Dimitri that I mistook for 9S/Dimitri for a hot second.Also fair warning: I know next to nothing about FE3H so what you see is what you get.
Relationships: 9S (Nier: Automata)/Dimitri (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	BELOVED Dimeathrreenrty Ankylosarus Bladder[S]

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xanderbot13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanderbot13/gifts), [JoeyWrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeyWrites/gifts), [jordypordy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordypordy/gifts).



9S was excited. He had dolled himself up in his oversized stupidly slutty dancer dress he  stole borrowed from Byleth. It was way too long for his tiny leggies, so it sexily, yet dangerously dragged behind him as he made his way through the house.

Dimitri. His one and only love. His wonderful spaghetti bastard. He was going to be home within the next hour! 9S had been so lonely keeping their cozy little cottage neat and clean while his love was at war. He had his own important jobs to do organizing paperwork and other nerdy stuff that was so incredibly valuable to the cause, but sometimes he just wished he could don some armor and fight alongside and protect him on the battlefield.

But he was small and fragile and everyone mistook him for a sassy, lost child even though he was practically an old man at the ripe old age of twenty-three. So he stayed behind and lamented the fact that his brain was big but his body was not.

Still, it was hard work being an army husband! 9S knew his love would be worn and dirty when he got home, so he had already run a bath with his favorite soaps and oils. At least, he assumed they were his favorites; 9S wasn’t even sure if Dimitri had a sense of smell. But no matter! One can’t go wrong with lavender and vanilla!

He eyed his lovingly-made vegan charcuterie platter (I’m vegan btw) and his stomach growled at the thought of munching down on the delicious soy cheeses and sipping on a tall glass of Ye Olde Oatly while catching up with his one and only love, Dimitri (who is also vegan btw).

9S felt his fingers twitch and mouth water and thought to himself  _ maybe one bit wouldn’t hurt.  _ He headed over, careful not to trip on his dress, and reached out to pluck a juicy grape from the center.

As soon as his fingers touched the smooth, taut skin of the cold fruit, the sound of jingling keys caught his attention. He spun around as the front door was violently kicked open.

“Dimti!” 9S cooed cutely. “You’re h--oh gods.”

9S dramatically put a hand over his chest (making sure to accentuate his uncovered collarbone). His love, his one and only love was standing in the doorway covered from head to toe in blood! Blood and dirt! How terrible!

“Dimidiated my dear macaroni, are you okay, what happened!?” 9S cried out in anguish.

“You know,” Dritimi shrugged unconcernedly and banged his spear on the floor. “The usual.”

9S put his other hand over his face as the stench of death hit him. Not even the vanilla could save him now.

“Well,” he gagged disturbedly. “I have the bath all ready for you just for this occasion!”

“No need,” Dimitri grunted brashly. He brushed his spaghetti hair from his eyepatch--9S could swear it was on his other eye last time he was home--and trudged over to their chaise lounge.

“No!” 9S screamed terrifiedly and rushed to stop him from ruining the upholstery. He had forgotten his dress already and tripped on the trailing fabric. 9S was facedown on the floor in a flash. His vision went dark and he saw stars for a moment.

“9S!” Diminutive yelled concernedly and rushed over. 9S felt his powerful hands grab his shoulders and pull him up. He looked up to his love while rubbing his nose.

“Thank you,” he giggled shyly. “I guess I’m just so clumsy sometimes.”

“You okay?” Dimitri asked sultrily. 9S looked up at his tall hunk of meat (which is the only meat he’s willing to put in his mouth because he’s vegan btw) of a husbando. Dimeters had his spear in his mouth and was biting down on it roughly. 9S guessed he didn’t have time to put it down and instead held it protectively between his pearly whites.

“Oh Dimpliest-sama, my lovely farfalle” 9S cooed lovingly. “You’re so kind. Now let’s get you bathed.”

“No!” Dimitri hissed angrily. 

“Agave please,” 9S pleaded pleadingly. “You smell awful and I just spent all day cleaning.”

“I don’t want a bath,” Dimple growled angrily. “I want to sharpen my 

“We’ve been over this so many times,” 9S pouted annoyedly. “How am I supposed to do any research if the house looks like a crime scene?”

Dimitri grumbled something about unifying the continent and becoming King being more important than taking a bath. “Fine,” he finally grumbled finally.

“Great!” 9S beamed happily! He stood up and brushed the crusted blood that his Dimitri-witri shed on his shoulders. He held his delicate hand out delicately and Dildo grasped it in his powerful fist. He stood up, towering over 9S by at least two feet and removed the spear from his mouth. He gripped it firmly in his hand.

9S led his love to the bathroom and splashed his hand in the water to revitalize the bubbles. 

“Okay, water’s still nic--hey!” 9S screamed frustratedly as Dimittis stepped in the bath fully clothed, still gripping his spear tightly. It quickly turned a murky brown and all of the bubbles popped immediately.

“Dointit please!” 9S whined exasperatedly. The steam from the scalding water enhanced the musk that emanated from Dimitri and 9S had to blink away quickly-forming tears. “I was gonna... _ hork _ ...wash those separately... _ hurk _ ...now I gotta... _ glug _ ...run the bath again,” he gagged awfully.

Diemit slid down to the point where everything below his nose was submerged. He swirled the thickening water with his boot, like some sort of stink spirit at a bathhouse. 9S wrapped a towel around his face and fondled the base of the tub until he found the stopper. 

“Okay,” 9S panted unhappily. He wiped his arm on a towel, sobbing as the nice linens were stained nastily. “Yuck, wait here.”

9S rushed out of the house, making sure he didn’t suffer a nip slip or trip again. He found the garden hose and dragged it to the bathroom window and knocked on it. He couldn’t see inside but he jumped when a large handprint smacked against the glass and slid it open.

“Thanks, Linguini Babe,” 9S winked happily. Dimidiates said something in response but 9S was already busy threading the hose through the window.

“What are you doing?” Dimitri asked worriedly. But 9S had already run away to turn it on full blast. He could hear Demiti’s screams as the cold water sprayed over him. 9S knew the bathroom would be ruined but it couldn’t be much worse than it already was. 

9S ran back through the front door and burst into the bathroom to see Dimtiti fighting with the hose. 9S grabbed it from him and sprayed him directly in the face, cackling maniacally.

“That’s what you get babe!” 9S giggled gigglingly. Dinkum hissed and flailed in an attempt to get away but the tub was too slippery. He swung his spear around and 9S narrowly avoided getting his head lopped off. 

“Diermithi oh my gosh!” 9S screamed terrifiedly. 

Diemtii wargled and shook the water from his fettuccine hair and sprayed bloody mud everywhere. 9S cried out in shame as his sexy slutty dress was drenched in fluids. He quickly doused himself with the hose and pointed it back at Dimitri. The bathroom was already ruined. He just hoped it wouldn’t leak into the living room and ruin the furnishings.

“Ew,” 9S sniffled disgustedly. “Dimitri put that thing down before you kill me, or worse, break the tub.”

Deimti growled and tossed the spear in the corner and crossed his arms to pout.

“There’s a good tortellini boy,” 9S cooed adorably. He turned the hose back at Dimitri and began spraying him down. Dimitri grumbled and looked out the window wistfully. 

Aw fuck i gotta put something else here

“Okay, now you need to take off your clothes...please my beautiful ziti,” 9S begged wantingly. 

“But the Empire,” Dirimit growled grumpily.

“You’ll still be able to kick major ass while bare-ass naked. I know you can my lovely anelloni,” 9S hummed lovingly.

Dimiti’s face went red and he mumbled out a  _ fiiine  _ then peeled off his disgusting clothes. 9S’ mouth fell open as Dimitri’s firm-as-tofu, chiseled man abs were exposed to the evening sun glittering through the dirty window. 

“Oh,” 9S said abashedly. 

Dimmit threw his soaked clothes into 9S arms and he caught them with a disgusting wet squelch. It sounded as if someone kicked a corpse in the head and that corpse also didn’t have a skull for some reason. 9S let the clothing fall to the floor with another wet squelch. 

Dimitri looked at 9S with a wink and 9S swooned and nearly fell to the floor. His abs were large and bulging--like the eyes of a horrifically bred pug. 9S was just glad Dugmitri didn’t also have hip dysplasia, skin issues, brachycephaly, shortened lifespan, elongated palate, encephalitis, luxating patellas, man I just depressed myself looking up all the health issues of pugs who the fuck wants a dog so fragile they’ll fucking die if you just look at them wrong anyway. 

“Oh yeah, my love, I got you something,” Dimrit said playfully as he pulled his pants down.

9S looked down at what Dimitree had between his legs. He gasped and threw his hands over his mouth.

“Wow, it’s so big!” 9S exclaimed inquisitively.

“I know, I made sure to get it as big as possible, just like my spear,” Diminished purred sheepishly.

“Can I hold it?” 9S pleaded excitedly.

Dimitit winked sluttily and wrapped his fingers around the hard object. “It’s all for you.”

9S gasped and jumped for joy. He lurched forward and held his hands out and Dimitri placed the papaya in his outstretched palms. 9S held the long fruit to his face and smelled it.

“Oh gods it still smells awful,” 9S wheezed disappointedly. 

“It’ll wash off,” Dimethylaminopropylamine smiled knowingly. “It’s what’s inside that counts. And it’s always good to turn the insides into outsides, that’s what I say about my enemies.”

“True, this will go great with what I have planned for dinner,” 9S hummed happily.

“Oh?” Dimitri asked ferally. “What’s for dinner? The blood of my enemies?”

“Well, no,” 9S sad apologetically. “But we can always make little stick enemies out of pretzels and cashew cheese (which is vegan btw). 

“That will do nicely,” Dinkum said nicely. 

“Now let’s finish scrubbing you down and get you a nice long soak,” 9S continued exasperatedly.

“Fine,” Demerit responded boredly. “But really what’s for dinner?” Dimitri asked hungrily.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, ravioli boi?”

9S filled the tub up with fresh hot water and scrubbed his hunk of meat of a husband down with all his washcloths. It seemed like he emptied an entire gallon of soap which was three point seven eight five four liters on his head in order to get him clean. 

The bathroom was a crime scene and he lamented that he might never get it clean. But at least his love Dimdit was finally squeaky clean like a greased-up oil-boy. 9S wanted to admire the scenery forever but Dimidti’s stomach growled and told 9S that Dimeit was probably hungry.

9S pouted sadly and handed D his fluffy robe. Dititim threw it over and covered his chiseled abs. 9S sighed sadly as his swole muscles were covered by the soft fabric. 

It was okay though, 9S could use those abs as a pillow later when they sat by the fire and shared stories about their adventures. 

9S led Djibouti into the dining room. He sat down on his shiny man-ass and immediately grabbed a handful of 9S’ lovingly crafted cheeses (which were vegan btw, just reminding yall).

“Wow, these are good, they’re really vegan?” Dimitri asked, spittingly food everywhere since he was talking with his mouth full.

“Not a single titty involved in the process…” 9S smiled meekly. “Well except for mine.”

Dimastitis blushed. “O-oh. I see. Well, I better be quick, there’s thieving rats to destroy! (Not real rats btw since we’re vegan I meant as an insult to thieves that have been killing people but now that I think about it maybe I shouldn’t use rat as an insult since rats are just trying to live their little furry lives...anyway...BLOODSHED)!”

“Aww, but aren’t you going to stay for a while?” 9S whined sadly. “I have a whole night planned for us!”

“Oh?” Dimitri hummed expectantly. “I suppose my crusade can wait. What did you have in mind?” He leaned over the cheeses (which were vegan btw) with a :3c.

“I’m glad you asked,” 9S smirked mischievously. He reached under the table and pulled out a pile of board games. Dimitr’s lip twitched but he kept his face happy as 9S laid them out on the table.

“Well we have Scrabbled, and Connecting Three, and Harry Potter™ Hogwarts™ Battle Cooperative Deck Building Card Game | Official Harry Potter™ Licensed Merchandise | Harry Potter™ Board Game | Great Gift for Harry Potter™ Fans | Harry Potter™ Movie™ artwor--” 9S™ was cut off at the sound of a knock at the door™.

“I’ll get it,” Dimitri™ growled suspiciously. “It could be Edelgard™ coming to exact her revenge or something something Foodland Rhea.” He stood up before 9S could protest and glided over to the door.

“What? You’re alive!” Dimittis yelled flabbergastedly. “How?!”

“Who is it?” 9S asked hesitantly. He peeked his tiny head around the corner and gasped surprisedly! “Oh.” 

9S’ heart shattered into a million pieces when he saw who was in the doorway. His rival, his competition for Discitis’s attention. 

Irtimid’s old teacher Byleth stood in the door.

Byleth™ stood at the door looking like a dirty no-good husband attention grabber slutty slutty bitch boy. He just stood there...whorishly. Standing up straight in the doorway with the gall to have DIRT in his hair and look like he’s been knocked out cold at the bottom of a ravine for five years where nobody thought to actually look for him after he fell and supposedly died.

“Oh, it’s you,” 9S grunted furiously.

**Author's Note:**

> More fics from cool people! Please check em out and give them some love!
> 
> [Cycles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10702644/chapters/23706465) by pangr: He’s just a little over his head for her. (2b9s collection of small fics)
> 
> [Breathe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14199354) by Lunestar: After a long day and bit of tension concerning a certain topic within the squad, No.2 and No.9 decide to rest and chat while enjoying each other’s company. What was supposed to be a relaxing time turns out to be more than either one of them expected. [M]
> 
> [Shut Up and Dance With Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27897139) by jordypordy: Words aren’t the only way to tell someone how you feel about them.


End file.
